Saying “I Love You” Is Easy. Actually Loving? That’s a Lifetime’s Work.

Saying the words is nothing. Three little syllables that roll off the tongue like candy. “I love you.” Feels good coming out, doesn’t it? Warm rush of dopamine, a shared smile, maybe even a hug. But then Monday morning hits, and the real test begins.

I’ve been there. Seen it play out in my own life, in my clients’ marriages, in friendships that crumbled under the weight of what people thought love should be. Most of us aren’t loving each other. We’re loving ideas. Projections. Perfect little fantasies we shove onto someone who never signed up to play the part.

And when they inevitably slip out of that script, because they’re human, not a character in your story, everything falls apart. Expectations unmet. Hurt feelings. Arguments that go nowhere. We call it “complicated relationships.” Truth is, we’re just bad at loving…

The Expectation Trap

Love gets weaponized the moment expectations creep in. You don’t even notice it happening.

One partner expects the other to read their mind. “If you loved me, you’d know I needed space today.” The other expects constant affirmation. “If you loved me, you’d text me back in 2 minutes.” Suddenly, love isn’t a gift anymore, it’s a transaction. A checklist. Fail one item, and you’re out.

I remember coaching a guy last year, successful entrepreneur, beautiful wife, two kids. He was gutted. “She doesn’t appreciate everything I do,” he’d say. I asked him to list what he did. Long list. Impressive. Then I asked what she needed. Silence. He hadn’t considered her a separate person with her own wiring, her own wounds, her own dreams. He loved the idea of “wife”, supportive, grateful, always there. She was exhausted trying to fit that mold.

Real love has zero expectations. It says, “I see you. All of you. The messy parts, the growth edges, the days you snap at me for no reason. And I’m still here.” Not because they owe you. Because you choose them, daily, without a scorecard.

Boundaries Built on Fear

Don’t get me wrong, boundaries matter but not as a self-made cage, as clear reflections of our line of conduct and of our inner truth. You see, most boundaries I see aren’t born from strength. They’re fear in disguise.

“I need space because you’re too clingy.” That’s not a boundary. That’s punishment. “I won’t tolerate disrespect” said calmly after someone crosses a line? That’s healthy. But watch people in conflict, they draw lines from panic. “If you loved me, you wouldn’t need that boundary.” Flip side: “Your boundary means you don’t love me enough.”

Fear-based boundaries create walls. Love-based ones create clarity.

I’ve watched couples transform when they reframe this. One client, a high-powered exec in Dubai, used to shut down during arguments. “My boundary is I don’t discuss feelings.” We dug deeper. It wasn’t a boundary, it was terror of vulnerability, learned from a childhood where emotions meant chaos. When he shifted to “I’m scared to feel this, but I want to try,” his marriage didn’t just survive. It deepened.

Healthy boundaries say: “This is who I am. Take it or leave it.” No begging. No ultimatums. Just truth. And real love respects truth, even when it stings.

Loving the Idea, Not the Person

This one’s the killer. We fall in love with potential. The version of them we imagine.

“He’s going to be this amazing provider once he gets his act together.” “She’s the nurturing mom I always dreamed of.” We build cathedrals in our heads and get mad when they don’t walk in wearing the right robes.

Relationships crack here because people change. Grow. Sometimes backward. The partner you met at 25 isn’t the same at 35. But we cling to the original script. “You used to be spontaneous! What happened?” As if they’re not allowed to evolve.

I learned this the hard way. Early in my life I dated someone who seemed perfect on paper. Ambitious, spiritual, charismatic, loving. But I loved the version I needed her to be, the supportive partner for my mission. When she wanted kids and I wanted freedom, the fantasy died. We both suffered because neither would admit we were acting roles. 4 children later and an absolutely successful marriage and happy life, I realize that the suffering I caused was absolutely optional, but the inner work was not.

True love meets people where they are. Not where you want them to be. Not where they were. It says, “I love who you are today, the strengths, the flaws, the contradictions.” And if that person no longer fits your life? Love lets go. Gracefully. Without resentment.

Why Relationships Feel So Damn Hard

Modern life doesn’t help. We’re swimming in comparison. Instagram couples. Hollywood endings. Self-help gurus promising “the one” fix. No wonder 50% of marriages fail. No wonder people ghost instead of communicating.

But here’s what I’ve seen after 15 years coaching across continents:

Relationships aren’t complicated. People are.

We skip the inner work. Blame the other person. “If they just changed, we’d be fine.” Wrong. Fix yourself first. Clean your side of the street. Do the shadow work. Face your triggers. Build your sovereignty.

When both people show up whole, not needy, not controlling, not projecting, not expecting miracles. relationships become simple. Not perfect. Not passion 24/7. But easy, simple, like breathing.

Think about your best friendships. No drama. No scorekeeping. You laugh. You call when you need to. You don’t demand they complete you. That’s how love should feel. Effortless flow between two sovereign beings.

The Inner Work That Makes Love Possible

This is battle-tested.

1. Own your triggers. Next time you feel unloved, ask: “What story am I telling myself right now?” 90% of fights come from interpretation, not reality.

2. Practice radical responsibility. Stop waiting for them to “get it together.” Focus on your growth. Their job isn’t to fix you. Yours isn’t to fix them.

3. Detach with love. Love doesn’t mean possession. Practice letting go daily. Meditate on impermanence. Everything ends, jobs, beauty, life. Clinging creates suffering.

4. Communicate from strength. “I feel…” statements work when you’re calm, not reactive. “When you do X, I feel Y, because it reminds me of Z. Here’s what I need.” Clear. No blame.

5. Build sovereignty first. Date yourself. Therapy. Journaling. Movement. Get so solid alone that partnership becomes bonus, not oxygen.

I’ve seen executives go from screaming matches to quiet respect in months. Couples on divorce’s edge rediscover each other. Not because I waved a magic wand. Because they did the work.

The Simple Truth About Lasting Love

Love isn’t fireworks. It’s not a fairy tale. It’s two people committed to their own evolution, choosing each other anyway.

You won’t always feel it. There’ll be seasons of doubt, boredom, conflict. That’s normal. The work is staying. Growing through it. Loving through the mundane.

And if it ends? Love anyway. Bless them. Learn. Move on richer.

Saying “I love you” takes seconds. Living it takes guts. Most won’t. They’ll stay in fantasy land, blaming partners, swiping for the next projection.

But you? You’ve got the map. Do the inner work. Love for real. Watch how easy life gets.

Ready to build love that lasts? The R.I.S.E.™ path strips away expectations, rewires triggers, creates sovereignty. DM me. Let’s make it simple.

— Coach G
Dubai’s Life Coach | Mind Architect